The Art of Hosting

My association with hosting people for lunch and dinner goes back to my childhood when my parents would host their friends and relatives at our place. As I grew up I acquired the traits of being a host from the two of them. My husband and I have a fairly large social circle. We both are foodies. We have friends who enjoy food as much as we do. Naturally, the fall out is getting together to enjoy great food in great company. We enjoy hosting at our place. We enjoy being guests as well. It gives us opportunity to smaple different types of food and beverages. And boy have we been to different types of functions! Some memorable, some lip smacking (a Parsi Lagan nu Bhonu will qualify tops for this one), some unforgettable and some immensely forgettable!

One of the most memorable functions that we attended was a traditional wedding lunch. The food was to be served in a “pangat”. This is typically a set-up where the table is laid for a traditional meal and food is served to the guests by a bevy of stewards known as “wadhapi” in Marathi. The table would seat at least 20 people in one row. Another 20 facing them and 20 back to back and so on! 

The fare in these meals would be a set menu. Batata bhaji, Alu chi patal bhaji, Varan-Bhaat-limbu, Masale bhaat with clarified desi ghee(clarified butter), Chutney, bhajji/vade/pakoda and kakadichi koshimbir would be standard. The variation would be in the koshimbir where cucumber would be replaced by tomato. The desserts would vary from Shrikhand to Aamras to Jilebi. The bread would be most likely Puri unless in the recent health conscious scenario it gets replaced by chapatti or phulka. The meal would conclude with a mattha - butter milk variation that is tangy, spicy and sweet, a fitting coolant and digestive to the heavy meal. This is followed by a “Vida” made from beetle leaf stuffed with dry coconut, poppy seeds, beetlenut powder and sweeteners. All this is to be wrapped like a packet in the leaf and is fastened with a clove. The most interesting part of this meal is the warmth and the affection with which the caterer would serve and encourage the guests to eat. He would insist would on serving at least one more jilebi or a dollop of shrikhand. Mind you this would have nothing to do with the cash register as his client (your real host) would have already paid up for X number of guests. The caterer is the host who prides himself in being a master at his craft of dishing out extremely tasty stuff and enjoys feeding people.

The other spectrum of the good food is the gourmet dinners that are served in the banquet halls or restaurants of five star hotels. Food is prepared with great care and pride. The emphasis is on turning out an exotic fair from hors d'œuvre (classic starters) of caviars and cheeses to finishing it with the Desserts of exotic baked and tossed variety. The starters would be served with cocktails. The cocktails would be usually served in the large foyers of the main dining room. A smart Maitre de host (senior captain) would then clink the crystal and announce the dinner by opening the doors to the dining room. Stewards in starched uniforms with tail coats and absolutely white aprons would usher the guests to the table with a benign smile.

The ceremony of devouring food would begin with a soup accompanied by breads of various kinds. These meals include entrée dishes of meats and typically the entrée course extends over three meats - seafood, white meat and red meat. The type of dish is carefully chosen keeping in mind that there is no overlap in the taste that the gourmet enjoys with each course. The master chef would never repeat a sauce or a garnish in a single meal. Each Entrée would be accompanied by a carefully selected wine. The courses would be interspersed with salad depending on what the master chef has planned. Often the salads are a clever trick to buy oneself time to prepare and present the next course of entrée. The reason is to keep the freshness of the meat and sauce. The heavy meat dishes are followed by pasta and vegetable dishes. The meal tends to draw to an end with parfaits (flavoured ice) and mousses. The finale is usually a flamboyant display of desserts cooked a-la-minute. The most favourite here is the classic Crepe Suzette!

Kaustubh and I have been guests at one such lavish dinner and enjoyed the pomp and the show thoroughly. In fact the meal was a 2 and half hour affair with a spectacular dance show thrown in. Thankfully the portions were small and meal was slow with plenty of time between courses allowing us to enjoy the company of those at our table. We were uncomfortable when the dinner ceremony commenced, feeling slightly out of place for that gala dinner, being the youngest couple on the cruise and also not as affluent as the senior members of the entourage. Yet the superb meal and thoroughly enjoyable company of the other two couples at our table has made the experience unforgettable.

In contrast we have also, been subjected to thoroughly forgettable meals. Sometimes these have been social events like weddings and thread-ceremonies. The fare has been a complete hotch-potch of everything . One such menu had mocktails as welcome drinks, farsan and pau bhaji for starters, masale bhaat and veg makhanwala for  main course, bhel and pani puri on the side, hakka noodles and veg -au-gratin for seconds and finally vanilla ice-cream with aamras for dessert! We have since then avoided all events at this particular location catered by a thoroughly confused chef.

I wonder, what kind of planning (if at all) people get into when they host meals? Kau and I often plan the menu ahead of the party. First of all, we enjoy cooking and like to serve from our kitchen. I mean, what is the point of calling someone to your place and then serving them packed food from restaurants? I have nothing against ordering out, but then why not go to the restaurant and save you the messy clean-up after the party. Yes, we do order out for stuff like chapattis or pick an ice-cream or a mayonnaise off the shelf. But that’s where we draw the line. In fact, even when we serve ice-creams we like to do something with it and serve. Sometimes, it’s with fruits, sometimes sandwiched and so on. We generally try out whatever we want to serve in advance and especially, if it is catered out.

When hosting at your residence, its best kept small. Invite only if you feel like hosting. We have been to events where the host is obviously inviting the bunch of suckers out of some compulsion. What would compel them, I do not know! But the fact that the host disappears for personal work while we are left to do the ordering from a close by takeaway tells me to think twice before being conned into a meal experience the next time. Aisa bhi hota hai! The great part of this is that, we order what we want and are not subject to awful selection like what I have narrated above.

Then there are many others who make great hosts. We have had some delicious meals in company of likeminded friends. We have been floored by the sincere efforts put in by the lady of the house with ample support from the spouse. Floored because it’s so difficult to make time to put together a meal in hectic Mumbai life where both husband and wife are working. The meals have been simple day to day fare, well cooked and served lovingly.

So there are meals and melas! We have been to many and guess we will continue to experience and experiment. We make great meals most of the times but also goof up sometimes. Like when we served ourselves and an unsuspecting friend some awful parathas packed from a takeaway. Saving grace was the fact  that we had eggs and bread in house and finished the meal with lots of ice-cream. Whether we are hosts or guests is immaterial, one thing is sure every meal brings a lot of  adventure and fun.

  

Love - the basic emotion

A stray comment by one of my friends on my Facebook status triggered a thought on various meanings and concepts that surround the word love. I had written on the wall that I was feeling loved and young. To this one of the comments alluded that my husband was taking good care of me. There were others that were equally tongue in cheek and harbored around romance with the spouse. It leads me to conclude that mostly the top of the mind association of love is to a spouse/partner. I felt the romantic in my friends awaken. Some called and some wrote to me, but one thing was sure, I had touched a chord in some more hearts around me.  Everyone wanted a piece of that feeling. 

In reality, this feeling emerged from having had a wonderful time with a bunch of friends! I continue to feel the warmth and the love even two days after our sojourn. 

I have experienced love in many forms, many times! Sometimes as a receiver, sometimes as a giver, sometimes as a witness, sometimes in the flow of being and sometimes in loss. The first memory of love that I have is my grandfather sitting forward with his cheek almost flush to the ground, looking at me unblinkingly and waiting for me to wake up. He was visiting us in Gujarat and was meeting me after a separation of 15 months. They reached our place in the middle of the night. I was a baby and sleeping soundly. Mom told me later that he was sitting in one position for almost 6 hours for me to wake up and look at him. I do remember leaping with joy and hugging him as soon as I saw him. 

Recently, I experienced such love with my niece. She is so unpretentious and so completely trusting. I am just the same with her. We have a great time together and I look forward to being with her more oftten. In her playfulness I revisit the child in me. 

Both the memories above are linked to childhood. So is this form of love most valuable to me? The love that stems from innocence and is complete in its sharing may be the form of love that I cherish the most. 

Spring in my step

A spring in my step!

Life goes on my dears and how so… Well I find myself in a joyous state! Kyun?? Kyun bole toh aisaeech! Why should there be a reason to feel happy? I am happy cause, I had a great learning trip some time back and the after effects are still with me.

It’s going to be a fun weekend tasting wine. The countdown has begun. I am going to be with friends and have fun with homemade wine. Good Enuff to be happy, naa!

What else? I am happy because I see a change in the way the commuters on the train behave with each other. The usual garma-garami ; pull and push; frustrated mumbling seems to have made way for orderly getting on and off board. Only those who travel by Mumbai locals everyday can relate to my state of joy at this change. Furthermore, the lady near the door beckons to me and points to another one and says she is getting off at Ghatkopar, you can stand there! Wah, kya baat hai. I pinch myself thinking that I am dreaming. I look at my watch thinking that it’s a Saturday and I am on board a train by mistake. Neither is true. I am awake and it’s Monday. Smiles all the way…

I tune in to radio city and toggle between fever 104 and the city. Both play all my favourite melodies. The tracks disappear as the train flies to the destination. I am still humming the melody

Dhadkan Jaara Ruk Gayi hai
Kahi Zindagi Beh gayi haiPalkon mein yaadon ki doli
Bhitar Khishi haans rahi hai
Yeh khishi tum ho
tum hi tum meri janam
Karo Aitabaar...

Milte hi aakhon ne ...


Work is pure fun! Every paper seems to be in place; the meetings happen on schedule and end on schedule too! No complaints today…

What a beautiful day. I wind up work and decide to walk to the marine drive. 

I was to meet a dear friend. She calls and says, “Let’s meet at Eros”. Cool! I wait at the old landmark and am busy looking at the changing face of the road that was. When I was in college the road had shops with unassuming windows and drab displays. I had to climb a couple of steps to get into Croissants etc. Today it’s Kamdar and the french windows and display, beyond the window, in the shop is very inviting. While I am debating whether to get inside the shop, my friend turns up and much to my surprise with another dear friend! Too much.. lovey dovey scene ho gaya.

We go for an early dinner and freak out on some good veg stuff at Soam! Well, my husband is likely to say and also some other friends … "Veg?? Good stuff??? How can veg classify for good.. it's gotta be non-veg only" But what the heck… Its good stuff so its good. Who wants non-veg especially in the heat? Frankly, it was not about the food tonight. It was about catching up with friends after a really long time! We yapped and laughed and surprised each other.

The final stroke was getting an auto rickshaw that ran smoothly, no signals on the way, the meter reading correct fair. So I had a great day :)and the best is yet to come. 

Husband is making a cuppa chai for me :) :)

Aaj mein upar aasman niche
Aaj mein aage jaman hai peeche
Tell me O Khuda
Ab mein kya karoon...

My mum says apni khushi k nazar mat laga! So here’s the black lining to the silver cloud. Still no word from ….

Relationships and my take on it

Relationships: The quest for an answer to successful relationships

The other day I met a friend from school. We were buddies then & used to sit on the same bench in class. 25 years ago we shared everything. We looked at the same boys, together played pranks on teachers, bullied other girls into doing our homework and even got punished together. We used to have a great time then and propelled by that memory I was mighty thrilled to see her. We had drifted when her parents moved house to their native place. So the chance meeting in a crowded market was unexpected yet pleasant surprise. I dragged her to my place and time seemed to have come to a standstill. Memories were fresh and we laughed over the childhood till tears gathered in our eyes. She had changed over the years and so had I. She was back in Mumbai and we promised to stay in touch.

When she left, the smile on my lips lingered on and I engaged myself into the routine of cooking dinner. This is one relationship that I cherish and would love to nurture it. I know also that my efforts will be reciprocated equally. Today it is easier as one is not dependant only on postal services to keep the link. E-mails ki jai ho!

What is it about relationships that some survive and some don’t? What are the key drivers to a continued relationship? Are the key drivers same or different for personal and professional relationships OR are the logic / emotion different in both?

I often hear people say that this relationship was doomed from start as it was forced upon me. If that be true, why do love marriages end up in divorce? It’s a relationship of choice, isn’t it? So does freedom to choose a relationship guarantee the success of it?

Let us first define the concept of a successful relationship. In common parlance a relationship that has continued over many years with seemingly no conflicts is a successful relationship. By this logic my relationship with Seema (friend above) is not such a successful one. We were out of each other’s lives for 25 long years. Yet, I see this relationship as successful. The years just melted between us in the chance meeting. This tells me that success or failure of any relationship is very relative. It is relative to how one chooses to look at it. I feel connected with her and hence rejoice the success of this relationship.

In case of parents, family and boss, one has no choice. These relationships happen. You cannot choose who you will be born to and who will be your family. Similarly, you cannot choose who will be your boss at work. Well, largely you cannot! In some fortunate cases this choice is possible.
In these cases, we make the relationship work. As I look closely at these relationships, I see a pattern emerging. The lead and responsibility of laying a solid foundation to success of these relationships; parent-child, boss-subordinate etc.; rests with the one with positional authority. In each case the fabric of a relationship is decided by the tone that the parent or the boss sets. The balance is set by the one in authority. An authoritarian/autocratic parent or boss can give rise to a rebel or submissive child / sub-ordinate. In contrast a guiding hand that gives space and freedom to each other will see the relationship blossom. The balance will help empower the two thus strengthening the relationship.

As I pause to think about relationships of choice, it strikes me that the balance is equally essential here as well. Amongst any two individuals there is bound to be power play and authority issues. The success of that relationship depends how each one relates to each other’s power and holds his/her own. This thought brings me back to the divorce in a relationship, especially love marriages. It’s often seen that one or both partners give up their own power in early stages of wooing and courting in order to make the other person feel good. As the time goes by it can be stifling for the person or partner to constantly give up his/ her power or to carry the load of the other one who depends on the powerful one. The balance is tilted and hence cannot last. Bust goes the relationship, the pink turns to grey and then an ugly black.

Success of a relationship is dependent largely on the acceptance of the role by both parties at each stage in the relationship. Mistaken role plays and misguided sense of responsibility will lead to an imbalance. Such confusion is often seen in family / peer relationships. These are more difficult to map and are largely based on individual choices. Hence we have some cousins or siblings (or colleagues in professional set-ups) who hit it off with each other, while others simply don’t give each other the time of the day. In my opinion it often boils down to non-acceptance of the other person’s individuality and power.

The concept of Choice in a relationship comes into play in case of contractual relationships i.e. relationships born out of or created for a common objective of growth or betterment to business, society, self. We have here as examples various Business associations, Deals and Marriages. In each of the cases people after intense scrutiny of each other would get together. The understanding of the common objective and each other’s needs are spelt out. Both parties seek clarity till it satisfies them. Subsequently they make an informed choice to go ahead or withdraw. Fact remains that continuity of such relationships is subject to the common objectives being met consistently. Where there are people, there is bound to be interplay of personal dynamics and emotions. So it’s about emotional intelligence of the players on stage!

At times I see every relationship is like a machine and needs constant supply of oil and periodic maintenance to keep it in top performance. What is the oil and maintenance in a relationship? The instant answer that comes to my mind is “Communication”! It keeps the gears meshed up smoothly. Communication of needs and objectives and a review of these from time to time is essential. Gears either mesh up too tightly or un-mesh forcefully when this grease is missing. In extreme cases the teeth are bared and broken. It is not easy to replace gears especially when one wears out the other.

Time and tide waits for no man(woman either!). Same applies to an interpersonal relationship too. Best friends of school have at times little to say to each other only because they have not met for years. They drift apart, develop new interests and find nothing in common after school. In contrast, some of us meet after years and yet connect deeply almost as if time stood still and took off from where we met. Spending ample time with each other does not guarantee you the success of a relationship and lack of it does not lead to it withering away.

However, making time for each other especially when a relationship begins is helpful. This is especially true in marriages. I would take this thought further in saying that it’s equally important to give time for a relationship to bloom. Just being together for two hours a day is not a quick fix for strong relationship. Your relationship to your spouse, team or even something as inanimate as your stock needs time to find its feet, stabilize and then bloom. Every moment dedicated to the relationship is the investment in it and it gives itself a manifold return over time. What is the qualifying factor here? Is it the amount of time that one spends with each other or the kind of time? Popular terminology for this is quality time. Today around us we find so many dysfunctional families or dissatisfied consumers. What is the reason? As I look closer, I see that though it’s a relationship of choice, there is very little or no time given to the defined relationship. One can’t expect wine when grapes are neither crushed nor set aside to mature, right? Little wonder then that most marriages in my generation are the weekend marriages of convenience. They are strained and generally break sooner or later.

As I dig deeper, I am becoming aware and just about coming to grip with the phenomenon of social net-working sites. What about a distant fellow sitting in remote location attracts the net buffs? I see my friends chatting away to someone remote on a laptop, but when it comes to having a two-minute conversation with parents or spouse, they have nothing to say. Relationships of convenience! She keeps my house so I need my wife, he gives me a feeling of security so I need a husband, they are there for my child so I need my parents…. So on and so forth! Where is the connect? When one connects to the live persons next to him/her there is a whole lot of dynamics that come into play. That sure can become difficult and too hot to handle. So what do I do…. Turn to the social networking sites! It’s so easy, one does not have to deal with real time emotions and feelings. Safe zone!

Many a people have wandered afar in quest to find answers about relationships and people. This is my small little take on the subject. There is so much more to write. Perhaps later!